Every Tear She Cries Is A Tear I Hold Back

As I write this, I worry about my 4 month old daughter.

I want to start this by simply stating that I have never been one to believe conspiring theories.

I have never found them entertaining.

However. Becoming a mother was one of the hardest, most beautiful things to happen to me. I write this knowing that I was given the most amazing gift any person could receive: a second chance. I will explain that in a later post.

My sweet daughter. My beautiful, amazing, perfect being. She is 4 and a half months old now, and yesterday I witnessed her getting her 2nd round of shots. She received an oral flu vaccine, as well as 3 additional shots in both legs. In total, she received 13 vaccines yesterday. 60 days ago, she also received 13 vaccines.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

My struggles began 60 days ago, when I noticed a change in her behavior. She is a very smart little baby. I think she even understands me sometimes, when I talk to her. She was the bubbly, sweet, cooing baby girl she'd always been that day, only 2 months old.

At 2 months old, she was capable of smiling at me. She could recognize my voice and face, and she was just learning to pick her head up. This morning, I noticed how sweet and happy she was. She was so excited to begin her morning with me. She has always been a morning person.

Off to the pediatrician we go. She is strapped into her carseat, and she is ready to watch the trees and red-lights pass by on this dimly lit morning.

We arrive, and I get her bags, and carry them and her inside, sign in, and wait. And wait. And wait. And wa-

Oh, the nurse has called our names. I am excited knowing that the pediatrician will noticed improvement in baby girl's health. She has gotten taller and heavier, and plump.

I am proud. We had a hard first few months, so I am excited to show off my healthy baby girl. The appointment goes well. Just like planned.

"I'll be right back with you." The doctor exits.  We wait, and wait. 2 knocks later, I look up to see a nurse with syringes in her hand. She tells me my daughter needs to get her shots before we are released. I have no time to think, she is already taking the plastic caps off the needles. She gave me little description of what we were getting.

I was not prepared. I was not aware of what she had even received. The nurse told me to get a copy out her immunization records at the checkout desk, and exited the room.

What just happened?

I dress my daughter, try to soothe her pained cries, and proceed to checkout. Join later review, I discover they have vaccinated my child against 13 illnesses. I am not worried. Not yet.

It is later in the day when I realize how uncomfortable baby girl is. She cries with every kiss, every touch. And every tear she cries is a tear I hold back.  My heart is raw as I try my hardest to comfort her.

I swear I will do better for her next go round.


~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

This month she is 4 months old, but the memories haven't been forgotten.

I fail her. I feel so worthless as I yet again, watch my daughter writhing in pain getting her shots. I know my right is to saw no. I know it can be looked at as negligence if I refuse to vaccinate my child.

But I do not want to argue, I only want what is best for my child. I fight mixed emotions that tell me I'm a bad mother for letting this happen to her.  But everyone's children get vaccinated, right? I am doing what I've been told is the safe route.

Then wht do I feel so dirty  for letting this happen? Is it instinct? Emotions? Hormones, even?

I don't know.

What I do know, is I don't like watching her cry out in pain and not understand why I don't stop them. It breaks my heart.

Now my sweet child is feverish, fussy, refusing to eat. That is not normal. I don't know what to do except try to make her comfortable. She even refused to nurse. Baby Tylenol cut the fever, but now she is covered in cold sweat. Bathe.

I am so tired, I can't hold my eyes open. I have done all I know to do for her. The hard part comes now.

We wait.



X, TWENTY